People are People

So I'd like to think I have good friends. I think I have friends everywhere I go. But it seems I have a very limited circle of friends here at grad school. Maybe penis gets in the way. Maybe I'm too vulgar. Who knows?! But I'm sitting in my apartment watching Frasier on Netflix wondering if my phone will ring. But alas I'm still sitting here. See a friend had asked me yesterday and today what I was doing but has failed to take me up on any invites to go out. I feel lame. I feel like I should have some friends excited to be around me but I'm a lonely, loud, hilarious individual. Poop bottoms!

I Date A White Guy

I am dating a white guy. It's not because he's white and it's not because he's not black. It's because he gets me. He appreciates and understands my humor. He doesn't talk down to me. He doesn't talk at me. He talks with me. He listens. He's articulate. He cares. He's not out to have sex with every chick. In fact his heart has been broken more often than not in his few relationships previous to ours. We're going on 3 years together. We're both nerds. We both enjoy staying in and watching hours of tv and trying new foods. We like drinking wines and local beers. He loves my dog no matter how gay he looks when he walks her.

I think black men are beautiful. I know that there is probably a really great black guy out there that would fit my personality as well as or better than MM but he hasn't found me and I'm so happy right now there is no need to look. MM and I are my foundation. We don't live near each other at all but I know I can call or text him no matter what. The solidarity between us makes me feel safe and secure and like I belong in someone's heart. I love myself and how this relationship has molded me into a better version. Yes it's hard and there are days where I just want to step away but then he will call and tell me something beautiful or hilarious and it's like pink lemonade has been thrown in my face: sweet, refreshing and sticky after awhile. I love MM and I love being with him. So yeah- that's why I date a white guy

BOO!

I am back BITCHES!!!!!

Existential Bordom

So I'm bored.  I mean B    O    R    E    D.  Bored like how kids get on long road trips.  Forced to sit in confined areas for long bouts of annoying sing-alongs and imagination pitfalls.  I'm BORED.  I'm bored with school even though it is challenging and sometimes fun, I'm bored.  I'm bored with MM simply because he is a boring individual.  I'm bored with where I live... Middle of butt-fucking Wisconsin (literally).  I'm bored with everything around me.  I need more.  I need to feel important and have fun.  Not get loaded with work that I don't care about.  And that's the thing, I'm not caring at all anymore.  I am still doing well. I'm passing all of my classes and exams, but I don't care.  I am bored with most of the people in my class.  A lot of them just seem narrow minded or unexperienced, or just really white.  No offense white people, but there are just certain white attributes that make it hard to always be around some of you.  I definitely don't mean all of you. Most of my closest friends are white.  Heck, MM is white.  I'm just sick of being the only black kid in the program right now.  

But the saddest part is being bored with MM.  I mean he's a boring guy.  He's a nerd, he's really scrawny, he has allergies and asthma... He's boring.  He doesn't like going out.  He doesn't like parties.  I want to party.  I want to go out.  I don't want to sit in every weekend and watch TV or Netflix.  I want to get out of this rut I'm so very stuck in and fucking do shit!

I want to get 5 more tattoos.  I want to work as a fashion show director.  I want to smoke cigarettes and not be reminded all of the time how bad they are for me.  I want to wear ridiculous clothes and grow my nails long and wear my hair 7 different ways a day.  I feel pigeon holed.  I feel like I robbed myself of my actual ambition by applying for this boring ass job.  I mean physical therapy isn't boring per se, but it isn't exciting the way I want it to be exciting.  I want to let my creative juices flourish but now, here I am, 25 years old, stunted because I thought I was making big girl decisions.  I was make false decisions under the assumption that being a PT would solidify my relationship with MM.  AND NOW HE BORES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!  Today he called and said he was eating broccoli while lying on the floor and a piece went up his nose.  What the fuck!  Why would I care!

One day he'll find this and ask me about it.  So MM, if you do stumble upon this blog and read this particular entry and we're still together, just break up with me.  We're awesome people but different hues and saturation of awesome.  I want a glamorous life.  You like wearing t-shirts and basketball shorts to work... I want my breath taken away.

love

I love this chick.

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been a minute

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Heart Break and Brain Fucks

I'm not actually heartbroken.  MM and I are still together.  Over my break, it was like we were never apart.  He wanted to snuggle and hold me; kiss me and love me.  And I loved it but thought nothing more of it.  That's just how our relationship works. We just want to enjoy.  Until recently.  A few days ago, a classmate proposed to his girlfriend of 2.5 years (same as MM and I) and she said yes.  He told us how he planted a note in her journal to find him in a field where the magic took place.  It was so delicate and simple and charming.  And I was genuinely happy for the classmate.  He's a nice guy and soon to be a doctor.

I had a dream the same night that MM told someone in front of me that we were getting married but had not consulted me on the matter.  I was elated that he wanted to marry me and annoyed that that was how he proposed the idea of marriage.

I told a friend of mine about the dream.  She had spoken with MM a few months ago. Both of them were under the influence of alcohol.  She asked him if he thought he wanted to marry me.  His response was "I don't know.  Do you want to marry A?"  Her response was "Yes!"

My period is about to start or something because that thought hung around waaaay after the conversation and now I can't stop thinking that MM doesn't want to marry me.  And that has both broken my heart and fucked my brain.  I started crying in the hallway today.

I can't help but think I want a man who's breath was taken away.  I want someone so in love with me that they know for sure, without a doubt that I am the woman they want to be with.  I don't want him to "settle" on me and I don't want to "settle" on him.  MM is a GREAT guy.  He's cute, boyish, hilarious, smart, nice, attentive, and frugal.

Part of me is like, talk to him.  Tell him how you're feeling.  But what guy wants to hear from his girlfriend that she's paranoid that he doesn't love her enough or that they aren't getting married?  But it has been two and a half years.  I mean, I don't want to be the girlfriend forever.  At the same time I don't want the whole governmental aspect of marriage in my life.

UgH!